S.5 #5 | Be you

The complex biblical story of Jacob and Esau revealed levels of meaning. As I read it and studied it, I felt a strong connection to Jacob. His is a story of accepting fate and finding peace within himself, being happy with what God intended for him and ceasing to wish to be someone else. In this episode, I share my personal story of how I used to want to be someone I was not destined to be, and how internal conflict of my identity affected the world around me. I explain how this biblical story teaches us to believe in ourselves, in our unique design because God has a different plan for every one of us. 

Mentions:

Quote by Judy Garland

Transcript

When I learned about the deeper meaning of the bible story of Jacob and Esau, I immediately felt a connection to Jacob. His story is one of not being happy with himself, with his fate; he wanted to be like his brother, to be him, and he did everything he could to achieve it = he bought his brother Esau’s birthright and tricked his blind father into giving him Esau’s blessing. But let’s start from the beginning. 

Jacob and Esau were twins of Rebecca and Isaac, and because Esau was born first, he was considered the older of the two. Jacob was born second, holding on to his brother’s ankle. The name Jacob means ankle by the way. The boys were very different from the start and as they grew older, their differences became more and more pronounced. Esau was a strong hunter, a man of the wild, while Jacob was studious and “homey”, he spent most of his time studying the Torah. Nonetheless, Jacob wished to be Esau, to be the older, the stronger one, the leader, the one with the birthright and his father’s favorite. What Jacob did not understand until many years later was that his fate was to be himself and no one else. This is because God has a purpose for everyone, and Isaac knew that too, which is why he had prepared very different blessings for his sons before his death. 

As long as Jacob wanted to be his brother, there was tension and conflict in the family. When Esau found out that Jacob tricked him and took his blessing, he became furious and vowed to kill his brother. It was only when Jacob realized that he was happy as himself and stopped wanting to be Esau, that he felt at peace and at peace with the world around him. After he accepted his fate - to be the spiritual leader of a holy nation, and not what Esau was supposed to be - a powerful, rich leader of a populous nation, his relationship with his brother miraculously healed, and when Jacob did meet Esau after 22 years, Esau was no longer angry with his brother, instead he hugged him and wept. Isn’t this biblical story so representative of human nature? We always think grass is greener on the other side, we want what someone else has, but when we achieve all that, we realize that we didn’t find happiness. This happens all too often. After Jacob took Esau’s blessing, he did become wealthy and a man of the land, but he couldn’t live in peace; he was afraid of his brother’s revenge and he didn’t know who he was, he was living a lie. After studying Torah for many years, he ended up working for his uncle as a shepherd. In other words, after faking it for 22 years, he went back to Esau, to reconcile with him, but also to give him his blessing back so he could begin life as his true self- Israel - a man of God with a wealth not physical, but rather spiritual.

So now let me explain why I felt a connection to Jacob. Ever since I was about 14, I wanted to be someone else. I didn’t really have an identity of my own and I kept trying to invent one by taking interest in a culture other than mine. I began to study Spanish in high school and I quickly fell in love not only with the language but with the hispanic culture, which included its people, its music, dance and everything else. I started making friends with spanish-speakers, then dating hispanics, traveling to as many spanish-speaking countries as possible, studying abroad in Costa Rica and obtaining a Master’s Degree in Spanish and Latin American Studies. By the time I was in my mid twenties, my Spanish was better than my native Russian and my English. When I met hispanics, they would ask me which Latin American country I was from because I was so good at mimicking the accent, I knew so much about hispanic culture, that basically I could pass for a hispanic. And that made me feel good and proud, I felt like I belonged and I made plans for the future of marrying a hispanic, for my kids to speak the language, to be surrounded by my latin american friends, all of it. But while the language and friends and all of that came easily to me, my relationship with my family did not, especially when I moved away, from Cleveland to Miami. I barely saw my parents and brother, and my parents were not pleased with the fact that I was not dating Russians and preferably nice jewish boys, which is the dream of any jewish parent. My dad would remind me from time to time that in order to be happy in marriage I should have enough in common with my husband to not get bored after the initial excitement wore off, and mostly he was referring to similarities in culture, background and religious beliefs. He would also tell me that he would not be able to communicate with the parents of a non-russian person, that it would make it difficult for us to come together for holidays and such, and to basically be one big family. Of course, as most kids do, I did not listen to my dad and kept on doing what I felt was right at the time. I knew that I wasn’t making my parents proud, that I wasn’t continuing the tradition of our Jewish roots, and I was completely abandoning my Russian culture that I grew up with, but I just didn’t value all that  when I was younger. I remember one of my ex’s was a Catholic and I would occasionally go to mass with him, and one time during communion we were supposed to accept Christ’s body - you know when they put a cracker on your tongue called the consecrated host - and at that moment I felt so uncomfortable because on the one hand I wanted to fit in, but on the other I didn’t want to be a complete traitor to my Jewish heritage. I was torn and confused and just not in a good place spiritually, at all. All in all, to compare my story to Jacob’s, as long as I wanted to be someone else, life was not easy; I didn’t have my parents’ support, and when my family would meet my significant others for example, there wouldn't be a connection due to our cultural differences. Everything was awkward, a lot of translation from Russian to English and many jokes or comments lost in translation. But similar to Jacob, God had a different plan for me, I just needed to realize it after years of struggling with finding my identity. After several long and distressing relationships with hispanic men and me trying to convert to someone I was not, finally, at age 29 I listened to my dad and changed my life around. My dad had a suitor for me in mind and well…that man has been my husband for 8 wonderful years now :) As soon as we got together, life was smooth sailing. If before, I felt I was going against the current, now I was flowing effortlessly with it. All of a sudden, everything became easy: our families come together and became one big family, so we could celebrate all the holidays and birthdays together, I didn’t need to move away because we lived in the same city, we were both Russian Jewish immigrants and had a lot in common, which means we understood each other very well. A few years into our relationship, we began growing spiritually together and reconnecting with our Jewish roots. Today, we are more excited than ever to be taking classes at our synagogue, to be going to services a bit more often, starting to observe mitzvahs and continue growing together and bringing up our children in a spiritual environment. I am extremely grateful that my husband supports me in my podcast endeavor, which takes tons of time and constant resources. I just feel very lucky to have found myself, my other half and all the blessings that come along with being who I was meant to be. I thank God every day for everything that I’ve mentioned, and even for the hard moments I lived through because they made me realize that as long as there is a conflict within us, there will be a conflict around us. Once we become at peace with ourselves, once we figure out who we really are and stop trying to be like someone else, life takes on a new meaning. Jacob realized this when one night on his way to reconcile with Esau he wrestled with a mysterious man, some say an angel, some say God himself, but most importantly that fight and  Jacob’s victory is symbolic of a person’s struggle with oneself, with one’s identity. Once you find yourself, once you stop pretending to be someone else because, say, you want people to like you, or you work in a job only because it pays well but you don’t enjoy it, etc,. once you connect to your soul’s purpose, that’s when life starts to feel not like a battle, but rather a worthwhile journey of which every moment must be cherished.

Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. I will leave you with a quote by actress and singer Judy Garland. Enjoy and until next time!

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of someone else."