S.5 #17 | Why Modesty?

In a world where sex sells, I am advocating for modesty! In Judaism, the concept of modesty extends well beyond dress code. Find out how this concept can improve your relationships, how you can contribute to a more respectful and harmonious society, and live a life that is meaningful and purposeful.

Mentions:

Author Louise Hay

Rabbi Manis Friedman

Transcript

When my husband and I were over at our rabbi’s house for Passover, there was a family there with younger kids, and the daughter, she is probably about 10 years of age, asked the rebbetzin why in Judaism we must cover ourselves up so much - why the longs sleeves, the long skirts, etc. And the way in which Miriam, our rebbetzin, answered really made an impression on me and prompted me to do a whole episode on modesty. First off, I have to applaud Miriam for her incredible teaching skills when it comes to kids, and adults too, but above all young children. She always finds ways to explain difficult or mature subjects to younger kids in such a way that not only intrigues them but also inspires them for life. And this time was no exception. She asked the girl if she had ever seen the queen of England on TV. She pointed out that the queen always wore modest clothing, skirts and dresses below the knee, jackets, hats and often gloves. She embodied elegance and honor. Then Miriam told the girl that she should think of herself as a queen of sorts too. And I thought this explanation was spectacular. Not only did Miriam inspire modesty in this young mind but she also latently planted a seed of self worth and self respect in this girl, a respect for her body. This is something I wish I had learned when I was young because I spent most of my life dressing as revealingly as possible, and only now as I approach my forties am I starting to understand the beauty in modesty, simplicity and subtlety. I used to think that the only way to attract attention, especially from the opposite sex, was to show as much of my body as possible…and then I wondered why my relationships were superficial. Moreover, because I was not in tune with myself spiritually, I constantly looked for external approval in the form of compliments and any and all attention I could get from strangers, like the turning of heads, and even catcalling, especially when I went on vacation in the caribbean. Now, of course, I am focused on my inner self, and I am very happy with myself, and I no longer have the need to show off or to seek attention to get my self-esteem up. In other words, I have become much more private in all respects, and this takes me straight to the next point - privacy as an element of modesty. Before having kids, I would post everything on social media, from what I ate that day to photoshoots of myself in a bikini. Looking back, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed of all those posts. I didn’t know, or didn’t understand, the importance of privacy. But then again, I think I was doing it because I felt empty inside and I needed those likes to feel worthy. In the past few years, I started to understand very well how valuable privacy is. You see, when G-d decided to give us the second tablets with the commandments in a more private manner—a smaller event between G‑d and the Jewish people, He said: “There is nothing more beautiful than tzniut,” a word which has sometimes been translated as modesty but is more accurately translated as “privacy.” This, by the way, was what Miriam spoke of next to the girl at the Passover dinner. She explained how special something is when it is private. And it’s so true. Just think about it. Some of the most precious things in our lives are kept private; like nicknames we give to each other in a family, or keepsakes that we hide in the back of the drawer. When we regard something as private, it means that we admire and appreciate it. Disclosing that something to the public would degrade it and take away some of its exclusivity. So how does this relate to modesty in Judaism? Well, firstly, it’s about not judging the book by its cover. After all, what really matters when it comes to people is not looks, but what’s on the inside. Instead of drawing attention to say the woman’s cleavage, the attention of whoever she is communicating with would be drawn to other parts of her body that are actually seen, like her face and her hands, which just happen to be the the body parts that express the inner self. The face reveals who we are through the smile and the eyes (which are windows to the soul), while our hands represent what we do, our endeavors in life. So it is our inner content, the spiritual self, and our accomplishments that we may share with others. By approaching life in this manner, our relationships become much more meaningful. They are built on the important stuff because we start to see people not as bodies that are either attractive or not, but rather as souls and their inner noble qualities. 

We are living in a society with a motto “if you got it, flaunt it’, and we are wondering why people are not connecting on a deeper level. Media sells sex and people think that sex is the answer. And hey, sex is good and important but only when it’s private. For instance, in a marriage, when a wife dresses modestly, she not only respects her husband but she maintains that special intimacy that exists between husband and wife. When it comes to teenagers and unmarried women, I now see how detrimental to their life exposing themselves can be. I suppose if a woman is not looking for serious or meaningful relationships, then she can flaunt what her mama gave her all she wants, but then she should also not complain that men are harassing her. If you want to be respected, dress the part. I think this is a serious issue among teenagers nowadays, where if you don’t dress to show as much as possible, you are not cool. Last year my husband and I went to take pictures of our oldest daughter before the homecoming dance and what I saw was really disturbing. And our kids go to the academically best public school in our city, if not state, but yet their dress says something very different about the students’ values. Plus, I felt it was weird and awkward for the parents, especially the fathers, to be around these teenage girls with everything hanging out. It’s all just so inappropriate.

 It’s very unfortunate that unless you’re Jewish orthodox, for example, you don’t have much choice in what to wear if you want to be part of the cool friends group. Most girls wear tight leggings and crop tops to school, and somehow this is acceptable by the principal and obviously by the parents too. This is what worries me about my four-year-old daughter. I don’t want her growing up feeling that she has to dress a certain way to fit in. And as for my 7-year-old son, I also don’t wish for him to be surrounded by half-naked girls at school or elsewhere because this is very distracting for a boy. I want him to grow up respecting the woman’s body, viewing it as something private and therefore special. I’m trying my best to steer my kids in the right direction early on but unless our society as a whole shifts to prize modesty, I don’t see how the secular population can get out of this rut. I know I have the option to enroll my children in a religious institution, but isn't it sad that one would need to go this far to instill values in a child? We are at the point where skirts can’t get any shorter and dresses can’t get any more revealing. Have you seen music awards on TV lately? What are these stars trying to say with their choice of dress? That the body is not private or special or valuable? If that’s the message, they have certainly succeeded. Instead of valuing what truly matters in life - kindness, intelligence and spirituality, kids are growing up valuing their looks, which is fake and has no future. It is by covering ourselves up that we can reveal our true selves and develop long-lasting relationships with friends and spouses, and merit respect in the workplace. In regards to the workplace, I will never forget a mock interview I had when I was in college. I remember exactly what I wore that day, it was a pencil skirt, super tight with a white button-up shirt that I didn’t button all the way, I probably left the top three buttons unbuttoned, giving it more of a sexy look, which I thought was a good thing, because sex sells, right? Well, as soon as I sat down to interview with this middle-aged woman and she noticed my unbuttoned shirt, that almost revealed my bra and my open-toe sandals, she ripped into me, telling me that she will not start the interview until I button my shirt up and that this is no way to dress for an interview. At that moment, she almost made me cry, that’s how mean this woman was, and at that point I thought she was my worst enemy because I didn’t understand how disrespectful and unprofessional I looked and behaved. Years later, I realized that I was in the wrong and after that I dressed much more appropriately for interviews and professional events, but my personal lifestyle didn’t change much until I became a mother and became spiritual.

Interestingly enough, in Judaism, modesty goes much further than just clothing. The concept of tzniut encompasses behavior and speech; it teaches you to keep yourself away from inappropriate behavior and thoughts. Let’s take a closer look at this biblical concept.

The word "tznius" (or "tzniut" in Sephardic and Israeli Hebrew) comes from the Hebrew word for "to be modest" or "to be humble". But its broader Meaning is about maintaining appropriate boundaries in all aspects of life, including behavior, speech, and even thought. There is a clear emphasis on self-Respect and respect for Others, as tznius is about respecting oneself and respecting the dignity of others, both physically and emotionally. In terms of clothing, it is commanded for women to cover the head, knees, elbows, and collarbone, and overall avoid excessively revealing clothing. It’s somewhat easier for men to dress, but I should mention that their everyday attire should be modest as well, including long trousers and long-sleeved shirts for those part of the Jewish Orthodox community.

In Judaism, the focus is really on simplicity and subtlety because this allows  people to concentrate on the inner self rather than attracting attention to the superficial traits through clothing. 
Furthermore, modesty in thought and behavior is equally important. The Torah commands respectful interactions by being considerate of others, avoiding excessive or inappropriate displays of affection, and maintaining appropriate boundaries. Avoiding Gossip and Negativity is also huge among the Jewish orthodox.
It is absolutely paramount to refrain from gossiping, speaking ill of others, or engaging in harmful or inappropriate conversations. Our rabbi reminds us about this from time to time. Consequences of gossip and negative speech (including words that haven’t been said but just thought of) are often revealed on the physical plane through mouth sores, cold sores and other nasty conditions, which coincide exactly with Louise Hay’s theory of negative thoughts and feelings causing illnesses. Rabbi Manis Freidman has wonderful talk on this subject of lashon hara ("evil speech" or "evil tongue"), which refers to speaking negatively about someone, even if it's true, especially if it's intended to cause harm or embarrassment. It encompasses various forms of speech, including slander, tale-bearing, and deceptive talk, and is considered a serious ethical violation. The Torah emphasizes the importance of guarding one's speech and avoiding lashon hara, as words can cause more pain than physical harm. Rabbi Friedman goes even deeper though to warn us that even thoughts of lashon hara are a sin. Even if we don’t say the mean words out loud but say them in our head, this means we are full of poison on the inside and are just pretending to be nice by biting our tongue. A truly kind, G-d loving person will simply have nothing bad to say about anyone. Period. 

Modesty is also a spiritual practice because it helps us connect with the Divine:
It is a way to connect with God and to live in a manner that reflects holiness. It prompts personal growth and spiritual development as it helps cultivate self-awareness and self-control. By practicing modesty, individuals can contribute to a more respectful and harmonious society and live a life that is meaningful and purposeful. 

The concept of tzniut is greatly misunderstood, unfortunately. In reality, it is a beautiful idea, integral to a spiritual life. Jewish philosophy speaks of many great rewards for those who follow these laws carefully, such as protection from physical harm, fertility and bearing children who love G-d. But besides the payment promised, men and women who make tzniut a part of their lives will see benefits in improved relationships with others and a better sense of self.

This past year, I have been going through my closet and getting rid of my most revealing outfits. I am not orthodox, so I am not going to get rid of my pants and short-sleeve shirts just yet, but I have become a whole lot more modest in the way I dress and portray myself. Sometimes, to be honest, I don’t recognize myself. Just a decade ago, I wore the skimpiest outfits possible, showing off what I could wherever I could, thinking that my looks would make people like me or respect me somehow. Today, I am basically the opposite and I’m loving it because I get to show those who care the genuine me, no more pretending, no more inappropriate flaunting… It’s time we make modesty the norm! Let’s start treating our bodies with respect and let privacy work its magic. And as for modesty in speech and thought, I have been working daily on myself to watch my thought patterns. If I feel the need to think badly of someone, to judge or criticize, I stop myself as soon as I notice it and I pray to G-d for forgiveness. I have gotten so much better, too, at not gossiping, at not discussing people. There is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that sums it up real nice:  “Great Minds Discuss Ideas. Average Minds Discuss Events. Small Minds Discuss People”. Our goal should be of the great minds. 

If you know someone who would benefit from hearing this life-altering advice, please share the episode with them!

I will leave you today with a an excerpt from a talk by the  internationally acclaimed author, educator, social philosopher and counselor, and lecturer Rabbi Manis Friedman:

“Jewish law has great respect for privacy. If you want to build a home overlooking another home, you cannot do it in such a way that you would be able to see into your neighbor's courtyard from your window. It would be an invasion of privacy. Gossiping about others or making judgments about their behavior is also prohibited because it means you are looking into an aspect of their existence that is not open to your scrutiny. It's private, between them and G‑d; and if you judge them, you're trespassing.”

Mentions: Louise Hay

Rabbi Manis Friedman