S.5 #19 | Life After Death: Jewish burial customs and the journey of the soul

Visiting the cemetery to pay respects to a friend that recently passed away made me realize how much important and interesting information there is about Jewish burial customs. In this episode, I go over the basics of what any person should know when visiting a Jewish cemetery. In addition, I talk about the journey of the soul after burial. 

Mentions:

Poem “Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep” by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Transcript

May 10th marked two years since our close friend passed away, so we went to the Jewish cemetery as a family to visit his grave. My husband and I don’t take our kids to the cemetery often, so when we got there, they had a lot of questions. As we were answering their questions, I realized how interesting this information is and may be for others, and I decided to make an episode about it. 

The first thing we did when we got to the cemetery was find some small stones to put on our friend’s headstone. This custom serves as a tangible and enduring symbol of remembrance and respect for the deceased.  The stones also represent the permanence of memory, as opposed to flowers that wilt in just a few days. You will almost never see flowers at a Jewish cemetery, unless they are fake or a non-Jew brought them. When we place the stone on our loved one’s headstone, we show that we have been there, but most importantly that the individual’s memory continues to live in us and through us.

Many people make this custom even more special by choosing a stone from a place that was significant to the deceased, for example, or a stone that was chosen at an event during which the deceased was especially missed, or simply finding an interesting or beautiful rock. 

I should mention, too, that Judaism prohibits cremation or donation of the body to science. This is because Judaism emphasizes the sanctity of the human body, which is seen as a temporary dwelling for the soul. Whatsmore,  burial is a core mitzvah, a religious obligation and a significant act of kindness. It reflects respect for the deceased and the natural cycle of life. This mitzvah involves a prompt and dignified burial, often within 24 hours of death, in a Jewish cemetery. Jewish tradition even strictly prohibits embalming, allowing for the natural decomposition of the body. 

A few more interesting points about Jewish cemeteries include the fact that they are considered holy sites and are typically enclosed by a low wall or fence to separate them from the secular world. Headstones are generally simple and uniform in design, reflecting the emphasis on modesty and humility. Visiting a Jewish cemetery is a solemn act, and visitors are expected to dress modestly, avoid eating or drinking, and refrain from levity or excessive chatter. It's considered disrespectful to step over or sit on the stones that directly cover a grave. Many Jewish cemeteries are closed on Shabbat and Jewish holidays. 

As we walked past numerous gravestones, my son couldn’t help but notice how long ago some of the people buried there actually lived. We found some memorial stones dating back to the early 1800’s. My daughter spotted a whole section of baby tombstones that were heartbreaking to look at and read about the brevity of their lives. Once we came up to our friend’s burial site, we stood there for a few moments paying our respects, placing the stones, reading the writing on the headstone and trying to picture our friend as we remember him in good health and good spirits. Every time I visit a cemetery, I told my husband there, I don’t feel the presence of the deceased or their soul. During the burial I did feel his presence, but not anymore. My husband reminded me that  according to Jewish tradition, the soul does not completely leave this world until after the burial, which explains why we all felt our friend’s presence during the burial. We will never forget how when one of the family members was reading a speech during the ceremony, the wind suddenly blew and gently knocked over our friend’s portrait from the easel. We all looked at each other, agreeing that this must have been our friend’s playful soul, reminding us in this difficult time of our friend’s sense of humor. However, after the burial, every time we visited his gravesite, we felt an emptiness there. And I feel the same about visiting my grandfather’s memorial stone, too. It’s hard for me to “talk” to my grandpa there because I don’t feel his  presence whatsoever. I prefer to picture him in my head, look at photographs of him…that makes me feel closer to him rather than staring at a piece of granite. The reason for this, according to Judaism, is that the soul departs the body after burial and continues its journey. There are several stages.

The first is a period of time in Gehenna, traditionally understood as a place of purgation and purification. Think of it as a time for the soul to deal with unresolved emotional issues. My Rabbi has mentioned this time as watching a playback of your whole life and learning from your own mistakes; reliving moments where you should have chosen love over, say anger, or jealousy. The length of time the soul spends in Gehenna depends on the amount of negativity that we’ve accumulated over the course of our life.  This is the time for the soul that transgressed in this world to be cleansed in order to move on. The minimum amount of time in Gehenna is said to be 30 days, but no more than 12 months.  Gehenna is not at all like the Christian idea of hell, but to the extent that it is an unpleasant experience, it’s a hell of our own making. As Rabbi explains :”When the soul departs from the body, it stands before the heavenly court to give a “judgment and accounting” of its earthly life.9 But the heavenly court does only the “accounting” part; the “judgment” part—that, only the soul itself can do.10 Only the soul can pass judgment on itself; only it can know and sense the true extent of what it accomplished, or neglected to accomplish, in the course of its physical life. Freed from the limitations and concealments of the physical state, it can now see G‑dliness; it can now look back at its own life and experience what it truly was. The soul’s experience of the G‑dliness it brought into the world with its mitzvot and positive actions is the exquisite pleasure of Gan Eden (the “Garden of Eden”—Paradise); its experience of the destructiveness it wrought through its lapses and transgressions is the excruciating pain of Gehinnom (“Gehenna” or “Purgatory”).”

From Gehenna, the soul moves on to what is called the Lower Gan Eden, the lower Paradise.  Here the soul loses its previous identity, and the individual personality disappears.  Entrance into Lower Gan Eden is described as an experience of pure emotional bliss.  While some souls stay here, others move on to Upper Gan Eden. 

Upper Gan Eden is described as a world of transcendental bliss.  Rabbis and authors on the subject suggest that the quality of one’s experience in Upper Gan Eden is reflective of the consciousness the individual has developed during life. The garden’s pleasure can only be enjoyed by a soul attuned to the life of the spirit.

It is there that the soul awaits the coming of the Messiah and the establishment of the "World to Come" (Olam Ha-Ba) 

Chabad teachings also suggest that souls may maintain a connection with their loved ones after death. In addition, the soul’s experience of Gehinnom can be mitigated by the action of his or her children and loved ones on earth. Reciting kaddish (a Jewish prayer of praise to God, recited during synagogue services, particularly at funerals and memorials, and for the first 11 months after the death of a parent), as well as engaging in other good deeds “in merit of” and “for the elevation of” the departed soul means that the soul is continuing to act positively upon the physical world, thereby adding to the goodness of its physical lifetime.

The soul is said to remain involved in the lives of those it leaves behind. For example, the soul of a parent continues to watch over the lives of his or her children and grandchildren, to derive pride (or pain) from their deeds and accomplishments. The same applies to those to whom a soul was connected with bonds of love, friendship and community. As a matter of fact, because the soul is no longer constricted by the limitations of the physical state, its relationship with its loved ones may be even deeper and more meaningful than before.

After spending some time at our friend’s place of burial, we then went to visit my husband’s two grandmothers buried in the same cemetery. My son was only about a year old when one of his great grandmas passed away, and he never met the other one. And my daughter was born after the passing of both, so neither of them really knew their great grandmothers or great grandfathers who passed away even earlier. Coming to the cemetery, I feel, is a good way to remind them of their roots and to get the conversation started on the importance of tradition. 

  Lastly, when we were ready to leave the cemetery, my husband and I  headed to the handwashing station before getting in the car and explained to the kids, in as simple terms as possible, that this ritual is symbolic cleansing that allows us to transition from the realm of the dead to the living. It signifies a desire to leave behind the negative associations with death and embrace the present life.

Thank you for listening. I will leave you today with a beautiful poem titled 

“Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep” by Mary Elizabeth Frye. She  wrote the poem in 1932 in response to the plight of a young German Jewish woman who was staying with Frye and her husband.

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there.
I did not die.