S.6 #1 | Coming of age

Have you ever attended a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony? If not, in this episode, you will learn all about this coming-of-age ritual in Judaism: what it means, why it's important, how it transpires, what to give as a gift and more!

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Quote by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks

Transcript

Over the summer, I had the opportunity to attend a bat mitzvah. I haven’t been to many in my life. I remember going to a couple while studying in a Jewish day school, and then my step daughter had one a few years ago, followed by a nephew. So when I got invited to this one, our neighbors’, I was very excited because bar and bat mitzvahs are always a blast. Plus, our neighbors attend a different synagogue, a conservative one, and I was really curious to see how it compared to our orthodox schul. 

Before I go any further, though, let me clarify what exactly the bar and bat mitzvah is and why it’s an important milestone in Jewish tradition. A bar mitzvah is a Jewish coming-of-age ritual for boys at age 13, and bat mitzvah is for girls at the age of 12. Simply put, it marks their transition to adulthood. It signifies the assumption of religious obligations and responsibilities within the Jewish community. After a bar or bat mitzvah, boys and girls are considered obligated to observe Jewish law and tradition. For instance, they should keep kosher, attend synagogue services, and set a positive example for others. While not mandatory, a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony is a common way to celebrate this milestone. It often includes:

• Torah Reading: The boy or girl reads a specific portion from the Torah 
• Speech: He or she delivers a speech, often interpreting the Torah portion that was read. 
• Other Rituals: These can vary by tradition, but may include wearing tefillin (phylacteries) and receiving an aliyah (being called up to the Torah). 

A festive meal or party often follows the ceremony, marking the occasion with family and friends. 

The bar/mat mitzvahs in the US are similar to weddings. It all starts with a fancy printed invitation in the mail. This is really funny, our neighbors are our next-door neighbors, literally they live in the next house over, yet they still mailed us a beautiful invitation and we responded by mailing the answer to them in a stamped envelope. The theme of our neighbor’s daughter was Wicked, and her color combination was pink and green. I guess we were supposed to adhere to the color scheme…I realized this when I saw most people dressed in either pink or green. Don’t know how I missed that! So the evening of the event, we arrived at the synagogue at 6pm. As soon as we entered the synagogue, I couldn’t help but notice how grand it was. It is much fancier and bigger than our synagogue and its main distinction is in the sanctuary because in a conservative schul men and women sit together, while in the orthodox, they sit apart. Also, they are more liberal, the rabbis dress like regular people in suits, no tzitzis, no beards, no hats, no long sideburn hair, etc. I also noticed that the prayer books differed from the ones we use. So we sat down for the Havdalah service, a service that marks the separation between the end of Shabbat and the new week. The service was led by a rabbi and a cantor, but the bat mitzvah girl stood on stage at the podium throughout most of the service, reciting the blessings and reading from the Torah. I should add that boys and girls read the Torah in Hebrew, preparing for months or even years for this day. At various points throughout the service, her parents, grandparents and other family members came up to recite specific blessings with her, to hold the Torah and parade it around the room so everyone could kiss it. Her parents also made a short speech congratulating their daughter and telling her how proud of her they are. It was a really lovely and moving service, and of course we all said a prayer for Israel as well.

After this, we moved into a beautiful lobby where appetizers and drinks were awaiting us amongst Wicked-themed decor. There was a long yellow carpet for the yellow brick road, tons of balloons and beautifully set up high-top tables. There was also a table set up for gifts and a special box for cards. It is customary to give money in multiples of 18 because number 18 is represented by the Hebrew word "chai" -life; it is considered a symbol of life and is associated with good luck and blessings. So this is what we did, we gave a card (I wrote in it the popular saying in Hebrew - Mazel Tov - congratulations) and we included a check with an amount that’s a multiple of 18.  After mingling there for a while and taking pictures - there was a professional photographer - we proceeded into the main party room. Before entering, though, we looked at the seating chart to see which table we were assigned. The tables had stunning center pieces and now the Wicked theme was more apparent. Each center piece held a logo designed specifically for the girl’s bat mitzvah - the first letters of her first, middle and last name - RHS. Nowadays this is a common practice, I don’t remember so many details being necessary back when I was a teenager and attended my friends’ bar/bat mitzvahs. Besides the round tables set up for mostly adult guests, there was a very long table set up just for kids across the dance floor. There was an entertainment team of maybe 7 that were all ready to get the party started. They opened with some games and contests like the hula hoop and other high-energy activities. Nearby there was a spray tattoo artist, which my kids visited several times, there was a photo booth, which our whole family enjoyed thoroughly, and more snacks set out for the kids. After a little while, the DJ introduced the whole family, calling each family member (dad, mom and three kids), and everyone cheered them on. Then it was time for dinner. It was buffet style, all meat, no dairy. They served all kinds of food, from salmon, to burgers, to pasta, salads and much more. Some time after that, they projected a slide show of pictures and videos of the bat mitzvah girl from when she was a baby to today. Once the kids ate, they all started doing line dancing and then it was time to dance Hava Nagila - a song and dance no celebration can do without. It literally means “Let us rejoice”, and to dance it people gather in a circle, holding hands, dancing round and round. In the middle, four strong men, including my husband, lifted up on a chair first the bat mitzvah girl, then her mom, her dad, her brother and sister. There was a lot of laughter and joy during this part, there always is. As it was getting darker, the entertainers handed out blinking bracelets, rings, glasses and also fun hats and turned on the fog machine. It was really fun. I kind of wish I hadn’t worn my really high heels because they prevented me from dancing too much :) All the girls nowadays wear tennis shoes with dresses, and even the mom, our neighbor, changed into tennis shoes after the ceremony. People like comfort! And then it was time for dessert, which included cake pops, smore-looking desserts with various toppings, cannoli-shaped sweets and other yummy things, all dairy free! At this point it must have been around 10pm. We didn’t think we would stay this long because our kids, 5 and 7, typically go to bed at 8 but they were going strong, dancing and having fun, so we stayed just a tad longer. When we finally left the party room, in the lobby we were handed beautifully put together party favors. Each child received a tshirt with the Bat Mitzvah logo and date, as well as a personalized key chain - a wooden keychain with the name of the child carved into it. 

On the way home, my youngest immediately fell asleep in the car, but my son, who is almost eight, already started planning his own bar mitzvah. Fun for him, not so much for the parents :) Thankfully, we still have four years before we need to worry about it! 

If you’d like to see photos and video from this event, you can find it on Instagram and tikTok at lovetohealpodcast! 

I hope you enjoyed this episode! Please like and share! I will leave you today with a quote from one of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks’ broadcasts “The best present we can give our children is the chance to do something great”. Enjoy and until next time.

“Children grow to fill the space we create for them, and if it's big, they grow tall. But if we turn them into mini consumers, we rob them of the chance of greatness, and I've not yet met a child not capable of greatness if given the opportunity and encouragement.

Judaism is a child-centred religion. My earliest memories are of putting the bells on the Torah scroll in the synagogue, asking the Passover questions, lighting the Chanukah candles. Judaism stayed young because it made heroes of the young. The best present we can give our children is the chance to do something great. It's a gift that will last a lifetime and transform their lives.”